I have been thinking lately about how it is that a "self" (atta in Pali) seems to exist even though I cannot locate this "self," and I have no intellectual reason whatsoever for believing in it. Perhaps you, too, have been thinking about this. (At the same time, I worry I'm skipping over the "direct path" that Soh Wei Yu/An Eternal Now took, starting from the I AM/Advaita realization via self-inquiry.)
I've come to the conclusion that this self is seen to exist as a result of dukkha (stress/restlessness/lack of inner peace). Of course, it is all circular. Because we think self exists, we experience dukkha. But here is how I see dukkha creating self.
Imagine self as king of the kingdom. Why do we need a king or ruler in society? Because there are various conflicting forces in society which need to be kept in line, lest society devolve into chaos. In the same sense, the body/mind has various conflicting desires. If you view things materialistically (since material reality seems to be at least some kind of representation of reality if not the entire thing), you could say this is a result of evolution giving us various semi-autonomous nervous systems and neural networks. We have the enteric nervous system (which is controlled largely by microbes), the left and right brain hemispheres, as well as the reptilian brain (hindbrain+midbrain), old mammalian brain (limbic system), and the latest addition, the neomammalian brain (neocortex). Each of these various systems tug the whole body/mind unit (which we perceive ourselves to be at this limited stage) in different directions. If there is no part which dominates in any moment, either all the parts must be harmonized and at peace, with action flowing effortlessly, or else all parts are equally matched against each other, causing intense dukkha and impossibility to act.
It seems that the neocortex is what started the whole self-awareness experience in terms of evolutionary biology. But even without self-awareness, inner conflict between the various "minds/brains" is often going on. So self-awareness was the first evolutionary step needed in order to realize the extent of the inner conflict. We must know the disease in order to cure it. But most of us get stuck at this level of self-awareness, and we take this to be "the way reality is," with the consequence that we remain stuck in the awful cycle of birth and death indefinitely. In fact, self-awareness should be seen as merely a stage in our evolving perception of reality.
Self-awareness, when honed, leads to the realization of dependent origination, or how everything is dependent on everything else in the body and outside it. This leads to the realization that the self itself must be just a trick of some sort, some kind of conventional view useful only up to a point.
We can read neurological studies of people with various brain disorders in order to see how limited self-awareness really is as a way of perceiving reality. For example, a left-brained person (which most people are) missing his right brain hemisphere will not even notice that anything is wrong. They will be functional to a large degree, though they will, for example, not be able to see the left side of anything. But they won't think this is happening, because their consciousness will not know the meaning of "left side"... so imagine seeing only the right side of everyone's face/body, but not knowing that you are only seeing one side! Truly incredible how delusion works, isn't it? The left hemisphere is constantly fabricating explanations so that everything seems to make sense, even when it clearly does not. If you told this patient that they are not seeing things as they are, they would vigorously deny it, because they do not wish to experience cognitive dissonance. But they would not know that is why they are denying it. They would believe that what you are saying is simply nonsense.
Once we give up the idea that we are perceiving reality accurately, and admit that our labels are all meaningless/empty at the level of ultimate reality, we begin to notice the internal strife more intensely. We notice the process of "selfing" as it happens. We notice the various tugs from the various brains in us. We may become afraid of what would happen if there were no left brain, neocortex controller to prevent the various brains from doing whatever they wish. And so we may begin clinging even more to the false self controller, even as we recognize intellectually that it is empty of inherent existence and that its reification causes dukkha.
Perhaps this is where samatha (calming) meditation comes in to rescue us from our frightening insights. In calming, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which runs through all of the brains and reduces their urges. We begin to feel that there is less need for control, that instead of enforcing order among the brains, we can somehow spread happiness to each of them by harmonizing them with each other.
When we attain states of meditative absorption, we realize that the parasympathetic, harmonizing system is capable of delivering infinitely more happiness (sukkha) than we ever imagined in our perpetual dukkha of the sympathetic nervous system.
With this new knowledge from experience, we have greater ability to see, even in daily, active life, that we can have increasing compassion for the various brains, rather than whip them to keep them in check. Compassion cools them and harmonizes them.
The idea is that once they are sufficiently harmonized (or once one has attained an abiding deep samadhi in daily life), we can continue on the path of insight to break down all notions of what we are and what concepts are necessary to keep, leaving none. We can examine the emptiness of the self and all phenomena throughout each day and during sitting/walking meditation, until we gradually let go of all of the delusions.
The goal is to release all objects and see reality as merely interdependent, indivisible processes, such that goodness flows freely with no doer doing. At this point, we will laugh at the idea that there ever was a "self" to control anything.
Now, of course, this explanation does not work to explain why the self existed before the human body existed, as is required, I think, by the doctrine of rebirth and beginningless ignorance. However, I think we can use this explanation as a kind of metaphor for a more abstract/metaphysical explanation. In other words, let's just say that somehow there was disharmony perceived in nature due to ignorance or immaturity or initially imbalanced conditions or something, and that disharmony gave rise to a sense of self to try to harmonize things, but very quickly that sense of self became the problem rather than the solution.
For example, astrophysicists say that at the beginning of the universe, for some microseconds perhaps, there was likely a mysterious imbalance in particles to anti-particles. All matter that hit anti-matter was mutually annihilated, leaving only the remaining matter that now forms our universe (in which we so far find no anti-matter). So this imbalance was necessary for there to be something rather than nothing, but only for a split second. I find this an interesting, tho perhaps unrelated, corollary to the at one time useful evolutionary imbalance between the different brains in the body.
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I guess personally, I'm still trying to develop deeper daily samadhi while still contemplating emptiness (sunyata). Lately I have made some important decisions in terms of letting go of superfluous activities. I am lucky to have no family to take care of nor intimate partner, so no karmic obligation there (and my mother is still healthy and independent). I've quit school at the age of 27, after finally feeling that I am done learning from conventional modern perspectives on how things are or should be. This leaves me with more time to meditate, which is deeply needed. As a result of quitting school, I hope to be leaving my tutoring job at the school, which was a source of ego entrapment. What's left is basically my pharmacy tech job, which is ok because it is mostly just anonymous work that anyone could do with a little training. I donate the majority of what I earn (at $8.50/hr) to charities (mainly this one), as part of my development of sila (virtue/morality) which encompasses dana (generosity), which seems to help calm me. At the same time, I try not to get attached to a self-concept such as, "I am a good generous person," because ultimate this being good and generous is merely a means to an end (liberation), which is itself a means to the beginning (more goodness and generosity, though of a deeper, subtler nature). I am still hoping to become a forrest monk, hopefully within a year, if I can find the right setting (perhaps Abhayagiri).
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Update (01-20-2015): some time after writing this, I ended up getting married & having a baby. The marriage was a trial by fire due to my wife being bipolar and nearly strangling me to death after 2 years together (her idea of breaking down my ego). But our dukkha-filled time together was completely perfect, and I see that. We learned a tremendous amount from each other (she even had an awakening that lasted a week). I only hope we can keep the lessons in mind & that there is no more need for attempted murder! :)
I read somewhere that if you pray to "wake up to reality as soon as possible no matter the difficulties" then you better be ready for a hell of a ride. And that is what I prayed for! I didn't want the long boat ride, I wanted the damaged rocketship!
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